


Burden

by Katlover98



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-05
Updated: 2014-04-05
Packaged: 2018-01-18 05:23:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,287
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1416637
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Katlover98/pseuds/Katlover98
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sam is alone in the motel room waiting for Dean to come back with dinner when he starts thinking that maybe he is nothing more than a burden for Dean. Set in season 7 after Death's Door. H/C, rated T for suicidal thoughts. Don't read if it is a trigger. Enjoy</p>
            </blockquote>





	Burden

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I don’t owe Supernatural. Characters and show belong to Eric Kripke and WB  
> Warning: Thoughts of suicide

Sam was tired. Really tired. Lucifer would not stop talking in his head and it seemed that the hand trick was starting to lose its effect.  Sam just stared ahead at the ceiling with a blank expression. He briefly wondered how much longer Dean was going to be. It had been a little over half an hour since he had left to go get dinner.

“Maybe Dean just wised up and decided to leave you here.” Lucifer just appeared in front of his line of vision and had a smug smirk on his face.  Sam turned to his side so he didn’t have to look at Lucifer’s annoying face.

“Seriously, Sammy, just think about it. Maybe he got tired of taking care of his annoying, and crazy little brother.  Everyone has their limits and how long has Dean been taking care of you now?”

“Shut up,” said Sam as he started pressing on the cut on his hand. Lucifer flickered and then disappeared.  Sam stared at the watch again; it had been almost forty five minutes since Dean had left.  What was taking him so long?

Sam started thinking about what Lucifer had said, about Dean leaving him. In his heart Sam knew Dean would never leave him. Whether if it was because of habit or some type of messed up thought that he had to take care of Sam, he knew that Dean wouldn’t leave him.

Then Sam started thinking, why should he be burden to Dean? Dean deserved to live happily and without a burden.  Because that’s what Sam is a burden.  Maybe Sam should just end it all and free Dean of his burden.

Sam got up from the bed and checked the clock. It had been almost an hour since Dean left.  Sam went to his duffel and took out his gun. Sam didn’t really want to die, though. He just stared at the gun and felt the weight on his hands.  Sam was tired and he wanted to escape Lucifer but, he wasn’t completely suicidal. 

A part of him though, a small part, but, there it was, whispering in his ear of how much better it would be. He wouldn’t have to hear or see Lucifer anymore. He wouldn’t have to pretend he didn’t see Dean giving him the looks. Looks of wariness. When Dean would think that Sam wasn’t paying attention he would look at Sam as if any minute Sam would break down and become a drooling mess. And who knew, maybe someday Sam would.

 _How would that be fair for Dean,_ said that small part of his brain, _maybe you should just do it and save Dean the trouble of looking out for a fucked up little brother that isn’t really there._

Sam didn’t really know what to do. He really didn’t want to but, the voice was right. How would that be fair for Dean? Sam looked at the watch, it had been over an hour and ten minutes since Dean had left to get dinner.

Sam didn’t really do anything after those thoughts. He just stayed on the bed, shoulders hunched, caressing the gun like he would a lover. Sam was so engrossed at looking at his gun that he didn’t hear the familiar roar of the Impala pulling up. He definitely didn’t hear the keys entering the lock to the motel door and someone entering.

“Hey Sam, sorry I took so long but the jackass chef was making shi--, Sam… what are you doing? Sam, give me the gun.” Sam looked up at his brother and what Dean saw in Sam’s eyes scared him. They were…empty. “I wasn’t going to do anything.”

“Okay, I believe you but, can you still please give me the gun?” Sam handed Dean the gun without any fight.

Dean sat by Sam and said, “Sam look at me.” Sam just kept staring down at his hands as if he was still holding his gun. Dean got Sam’s chin and made him look at Dean’s eyes.

“What’s going through that freaky head of yours little brother?” Sam just stared at him for a few minutes and then just clung to Dean as if he was a life line. Dean was surprised to say the least but, he still took Sam and held him in his arms.

“What’s wrong, Sammy? Talk to me man.” Dean could feel a wet spot on where Sam’s face was. “I don’t want to be a burden, Dean.”

Dean stilled and pulled Sam away a little so he could look at Sam. His eyes were misty and there were tears running down his cheeks. “Where the hell did you get an idea that you’re a burden? Was it Lucifer because you know Sam, he’s lying.”

Sam shook his head, “I just don’t want to be a burden. I don’t want to be the one you have to look after and wonder when the hell I am going to lose my mind.”

“Sam, you are not going to lose your mind, and, even if you did, I’ll take care of you Sammy.” Sam abruptly pushed Dean away and stood up.

“That’s exactly what I don’t want to become a burden to you Dean. Maybe it would just be easier for everyone if I killed myself.” Sam wasn’t expecting what Dean did next and even Dean was surprised by what he did, he punched Sam.

“Don’t you ever talk like that again, do you understand me?” Sam was massaging his cheek and stared at Dean with a shock look on his face.  “Sam, do I make myself clear. You are not allowed to talk about suicide, you are not allowed to think about suicide and you are _definitely_ NOT GOING TO OFF YOURSELF!” At this point Dean was yelling and shaking Sam’s shoulder.

“Sam, look at me!” Sam took a few seconds but he did bring his face up even though he couldn’t look straight at Dean. Dean pulled Sam’s chin up, “You are the only one I have left. Bobby’s gone, Cas is gone but, I can live through that as long as you’re around Sammy. Please don’t take that away from me Sam. Please!” By this point Dean had tears running down his eyes, too, “and if you do decide to off yourself tell me and we’ll do it together.” That got Sam’s attention and he jerked away from Dean’s hands, he backed away a little shaking his head ‘no’ and looking terrified.

“No, Dean, please don’t.”

“I am not Sam but if you go, I go,” he stepped a little closer to Sam, “Understood?” Sam just nodded and started biting his lower lip. “I don’t wanna die, Dean.”

Dean looked at Sam, “Good, Sammy. I don’t want you to die either.” Sam gave a little smile and Dean took a hold of his brother once more and hugged him, hard. Sam clung on to Dean like he did when he was a kid and they just stayed there for a few minutes. Dean was the first one to let go, “Come on Sammy, we need to eat. The food is probably cold by now.” Sam just nodded but Dean could tell that Sam was exhausted. Dean was tired, too; emotions could do that to a person. Dean and Sam sat down and started eating. When they were done they both went to bed and Dean couldn’t help but reach across his bed to get a hold of Sam’s hand. He didn’t really care how girly it seemed but, he needed to feel Sammy’s warmth and pulse to make sure that he was still there with him. Dean fell asleep to Sam’s pulse and soft, even breathing.

 


End file.
